Archive for the ‘General’ Category

I have not been OK.

***This is a longer post, But I really wanted to make this post as a reminder to myself about this past year and a half and to share my life challenges.***

For the last 18 months, I have not been ok. I have not been myself and I just couldn’t figure out why I was constantly feeling so terrible and run down. 

I want to share with you about some of the things I have been experiencing. 

Starting last November-ish I had an occurrence where I was working at my computer on some documents I needed for a meeting… suddenly the screen was too bright and I couldn’t get my eyes to see or focus on anything that was typed on the screen. The rest of the world was bright but manageable. I figured I just had eye strain. It lasted about two days.

In late June I had a similar occurrence, Darcy and I were walking around the mall, and suddenly I felt a little light headed so I sat down, then I started feeling extremely nauseated… it lasted about a week like this.

This past September, I had another similar occurrence- about ten days of feeling nauseous, dizzy and light headed. 

While I only listed three occurrences, these are the most extreme. I had days here and there of feeling dizzy and off. These days grew more and more frequent as this last 18 months progressed, and I found myself spending more and more time laying on the couch and not doing very many things anymore. It was so frustrating, as I like to go go go and always be doing something. 

Another thing I experienced over the last 18 months is anxiety. Now, Im not an expert on anxiety nor do I know how to fully explain it. But the way I was feeling was definitely not normal for me. I am the type of person who isn’t always comfortable in some situations, but I am really good at just getting past it and getting things done. I continued to do so, even through the constant feeling that I was going to that I needed to hide, run away or I was going to explode. It was so hard, like really really hard. I was sick to my stomach everyday of this past summer, just thinking about things that I needed to start doing in September… this was probably the worst of my anxiety. My stress levels were so high and I did everything that I could think of just to try and take my mind off things, which is difficult when you know deadlines are closing in and your commitments are inching closer by the minute.  My hair started falling out practically in clumps.  I found the strength and I took action- I reduced some of my commitments, and I started to feel a little better… at least my hair loss reduced somewhat significantly. However, anytime I obligated myself to anything else.. even small things, that feeling in my stomach returned and I just felt sick and worried and completely stressed out again. 

A huge symptom for me was exhaustion. The year 2018 should be renamed the year that I slept but was still always so very tired. I spent a good portion of last year sleeping. I was taking 3 hours naps almost everyday. At first I figured I was just tired and needed some extra sleep… but it got to the point where I was needing to take a nap to make it through the day. I needed a nap somedays by noon… somedays I would last until 4:30 and I would then fall asleep on the couch – missing dinner with the family and sleeping through putting the kids to bed. I felt like I started missing out on my life. I was too tired to do anything other than the absolute minimum. It sucked. 

I thought maybe I needed to get my eyes checked. So I did. Sure enough I  now need to wear glasses full time. I was super hopeful that getting glasses would solve all my problems. Maybe if my eyes were better (by wearing glasses) I wouldn’t get so tired, or dizzy or feel so off…. Maybe life improved a little bit… but not really… I could see, but I was still felt so out of it and dizzy. 

So I made an appointment to see my doctor…. Yeah, I know – why didn’t I do it before all this. Well truth be told, I spend a lot of my energy taking care of Emelyn and Emrys and they are my priority. And I know the saying – take care of yourself first – so you can take care of others… trust me, I know. But for a while I thought I would rather snuggle up on the couch with Emrys than get stressed out about going to the doctor. My anxiety and stress was so high when I made my doctors appointment… I was hoping they could tell me what was going on… but terrified they would tell me something terrible. 

A few weeks ago I got my bloodwork and tests back. All my levels were completely normal. They said maybe my iron and b12 were a little on the lower side of normal… so take some supplements to help with that. I did get a referral to see a neurologist about my dizziness… so I have that appointment coming up in March… my doctor thought maybe I have a bit of vertigo. 

I came home from that doctors appointment feeling disappointed and stressed out. I knew something was wrong with me… but why did the doctors think I was fine. 

Suddenly Darcy and I had a thought about how long I’ve had these symptoms and a possible cause!!!

August last year I had a Mirena IUD placed as a form of birth control that was recommenced to me by both my OBGYN and my family doctor.  I have had some other side effects from the IUD over the last year and a half, but for some reason I didn’t think that anything out of that “region” would or could really be associated. Im amazed that I didn’t put two and two together as even being a possibility – but then again… my brain has been a bit of a fog for the last year, and I have had trouble concentrating on things. Another side effect. 

There are actually a lot of possible side effects to having this IUD. I’ve since joined a support group online so I can talk to other women who have also experienced negative side effects of having this device. I am astonished at how many women have been experiencing the similar symptoms to me. Exhaustion, extreme anxiety, constant nausea,brain fog, etc etc etc

Christmas Eve I gave myself the “gift” of going in to have the device removed. So, I have been IUD free now for about 12 days. 

Maybe it’s real or maybe it’s psychological, but I am feeling a bit better. I am NOT 100% but I am less tired… I think I’ve only had 1 nap in the last week and the “dizzy” feeling seems significantly reduced. We drove to Red Deer yesterday and I didn’t start feeling car sick till we were almost back home for thew day… usually I would be feeling sick in the very first part of the journey. Heh, I was even able to surf on my phone for a while too without triggering my car sickness. It was awesome!

For the last year, I 100% gave up running. I was too dizzy and I didn’t have the energy to expend that much of myself into an activity. I honestly felt it was too dangerous as often I would feel like I could just collapse from exhaustion and feeling off balance….. This week I RAN! Mind you it was only for 15 minutes and I was exhausted. But It was the first time in a year that I felt like I could actually do it and not fail. I ran 15 and then walked 15 around the track. A little piece of me had returned and the drive to try again and do better next time is there. I love that. 

Sorry it’s blurry. I only snapped one quick photo at the gym after my run.

Since having the device removed I am feeling less stressed, less anxious, less tired and less like a brain fogged zombie. I am happy to have the IUD hormones out of my body as that medication was obviously not for me. I am hoping that I can continue to feel better and better and get things moving forward in life, as I feel like I have been stalled and stuck for so long…. So while I have not been ok… I am going to be ok and am so thankful that we figured out the root cause of my problems. 

Here’s to 2019! A new year and a new opportunity to start feeling like myself again! 

Day…. 24? Where have I been?


So, its been a while since I checked in. Life has been CHAOTIC… and that might be an understatement. As I mentioned previously, my husband is away for training, and I am alone with the kids. No big deal right? Lots of people are single parenting two kids… yeah… I’m failing. I am still working on finding my groove and getting things to fall into a nice routine… I think I am still a while away from that, especially now that school started yesterday. With my daughter, life is about routine… so I have been focusing on trying to get that set up in a way that will best benefit her, and allow her enough time for eating, activities, sleep ( she has asked to go to bed 15 minutes early so she can have more energy for school)… that 15 minutes is right in the middle of our household rush our…. so things are getting rearranged. my 20 month old son – is a whirlwind of screaming energy… seriously – if I could harness either the power of his undying energy… or the power from his ear-piercing screams… I would be super loaded! And after all that is said and done, it’s around 830-9 pm, I havent eaten and I am exhausted.

Basically what I am saying is – holy shit I am tired, when is life going to fall into place?

I have been keeping up with going to the gym. I missed a few days on the weekend due to no time, no childcare, and it was a holiday monday – so no playcare for the kids. But I am doing my stuff, and noticing changes both in inches and on the scale.

I feel that with my crazy schedule with the kids, and the house and actually going to the gym, that perhaps my blog posts need to be the thing that takes the back burner.  I will still post when I can, and rest assured – I am still doing my challenge 🙂 But feel free to leave me a message here, or hit me up at pickles are cucumbers on Facebook.

Till next time here are some photos from the last few days.


The new tree I just got in my front yard…. I miss my old tree. This one is so small….


Emrys and I picking up Emelyn yesterday from her first day of grade 1!


Emelyn colouring with her Granddad!


Emelyn playing with a new toy!


What I would look like with no eyebrows…. yah I know… I still look awesome 😛


Emelyn at her desk putting on her shoes for the first day of Grade 1!


Emelyn sitting nice with her Luna backpack and her brother Emrys with that determined face of someone that’s about to escape! 😛



Emrys play air hockey this past weekend at the YMCA




Day 19

Another day on this challenge. 

I woke up sick today. I tried to cancel the gym today but my daughter insisted we went. I feel like trash. I went and rode the bike as I barely had energy for that. I was super excited to go in the sauna…. I thought ” man that’ll feel good for my sinus”…. yah, I forgot my clothes so that was a flunk. Instead I took the kids to go buy hand soap… haha what an excursion. 

Oh I wanted to share that I managed to get all my iced tea last night! Did I go overboard? I like this kind though! And it’s only 20 calories a drink. That’s a huge win for me since I cannot tolerate artificial sweeteners.

 I whave not be at the gym tomorrow or Sunday as I have a thing tomorrow and Sunday I don’t have child care. But I’ll be back at it on Monday. 

I’ll try and post anyway, but if you don’t see me, I’ll be back for Monday 😉 maybe I’ll get some rest and kick this bug I have! 

Day 18 – We played hookie


Today I called in and canceled the gym. I mentioned all the errands we had been putting off all week to my daughter and she was ok with us going to do those instead…. probably because I told her that I was going to buy her a grade 1 work book ( she is in love with workbooks!).

So we got ready this morning… slowly! And at 940 we headed off onto our errands… We went to Co-op, Costco, Bulk Barn, Superstore, Canadian Tire and The Source. It took us THREE HOURS. I was hoping for 2. But my kids are like molasses. I also spent a lot of time carrying AND chasing my 19 month old son. It was totally a gong show. Emelyn was super good, Emrys was a terror…

So even though I did not go to the gym…. Today was one hell of an arm workout, I must have overdressed as well because man oh man, I was drenched in sweat by the time I got home. My feet hurt and I am super exhausted…. And I have to run out to another Costco possibly later on tonight. Solo parenting is hard… solo parenting while on a challenge that includes no drinking… even harder. Today would have been a nice day for an ice-cold vodka beverage!

Anyhow! That’s my today, see you tomorrow!


Day 17 – exhausted


So its day 4 with broken sleep because my 19month old doesn’t sleep, and my 5 year old keeps coming into bed with me. My husband is gone, so I am doing double duty… haha I said duty.

Anyhow, I wanted to cancel going to the gym today, but my daughter said ” mommmmm I really want to go!!”… OK! We went to the gym… but my motivation was super lacking, and it was even smaller when we got there because I forgot my purse that had my wireless bluetooth headphones in them… luckily i have a spare of wired ear buds in my bag for a back up.

I have to admit – although I rode the bike for 70 minutes… my try meter was pretty low, I just coasted along as I watched. Though I did do enough that I managed a cramp in my butt/sciatic… that was nice…

Anyhow, that was enough for me, maybe I will get more sleep tonight…

I can hope.


Day 16 – I fit it in

Today I woke up thinking I was going to cancel the gym. My daughter had an eye appointment this morning and I just wasn’t sure I could get my s#%* together to get it all done.  My daughter really wanted to go play at the gym, so we made a deal. She would leave quickly when I said it was time to go, and we could only stay 1 hour. Well we did it. I went and ran 4km on the track and did a walking cooldown. I didn’t have time to do anything else, but I think my face is still red from the run- so I feel I worked hard enough.  There’s always tomorrow! 

Can you believe it though? I’m on 16/60 that means I just passsd the 25% mark.  I can honestly tell you that I have lost a few lbs and I have noticed a change in my body! And it’s only been 2 weeks! I am excited that I have another 75% of this challenge to go, I am excited to see what other changes might happen if I keep going. 

It’s also the third day where my husband is gone. Im telling you that my kids are insane. Like off the wall crazy. Bed time is my best friend. I also like nap time- I don’t even care who is taking them. Though it’s awesome when it’s me hahaha. 44 days till he is home! I feel like he might walk through the door and I’ll just hand him the baby and say “I’m out”.  It’s not that bad- they have been pretty well behaved too. You just have to keep them busy… all of the time! 😉 

This is me after running 4km. Look how red my face is…. however when you are as pale as I am… you really only get two colours – red and transparent. 😭😂

Till tomorrow


Day 15 – back to the gym


I definitely made it to the gym today. I went in not knowing if I was going to run or ride the bike. My one knee has been bothering me the last day or so, so I made the decision that depending on what direction the track was today would determine what activity I did… It was going the wrong way, so I rode the bike for just over an hour… and of course watched my show.

I also spent some time on the weights. I forgot to do my push ups, so I will be doing those in a little while.. I think im supposed to do like 22 or something today. I’ll have to check.

It felt good to go to the gym after a few days off, and the kids were happy to go to playcare. Its day two of my husband being gone… I think that the gym will be my mental savior.  But since im alone, I have less time to write here. LOL.

Till tomorrow!


Day 14 – no time.


Today marks the first day of7 weeks where I will be alone with the kids. My husband left this morning for his military training course. I would like to say that I will have time to go to the gym most days, but the weekends are pretty difficult, especially Sundays… I did go to the YMCA this morning, however it was because my daughter had her swimming lessons. I realized today that the next two Sundays, lessons are canceled. Its pool cleaning season I guess. 😛

ALthough I am not working out at the gym today, I am going to TRY and squeeze in some of my workout – BUt I am also starting to organize the house… starting with my closet and hopefully over the next 7 weeks moving through the house and into the basement. Lets see how long this motivation lasts. My house could use some TLC in the organizing department. It gets done about once a year or so… but some areas don’t get too organized… like the shelves and bins downstairs…. once again, lets see how long my motivation lasts LOL. I’m starting at the top of the house and will head downwards… probably because I’m dreading the basement…

Ok! That’s today! See you tomorrow


Day 13- Day after a lot of food….

So yesterday was a full day off. I did no working out at all. Yesterday was great.

I still got some killer steps in…. even though I left my tracker at home – the husband and I went out for dinner, walked around Whyte Avenue, enjoyed the fringe and I even went on my first high level streetcar ride…. it also helped that we parked hella far away from everything because we originally were going to try this East Indian restaurant that we had a gift card for…. it was closed.


I was super excited to try this place…. next time!

Dinner was amazing. We walked to the King and I on Whyte Avenue. I just love this place, I usually go with my Aunt and Uncle and my uncle does the ordering… so last night I had to call them to ask what my favourite dish was. OMG It was AMAZING. I didn’t count a single calorie. I just didn’t care last night. I had water with dinner instead of a soda or cocktail so I felt completely justified in eating probably the equivalent of two heaping cups of coconut rice and many seconds and thirds of the Panang Kai ( my favourite!)


The Husband and I are at the King and I for dinner ❤


Beef Satay, Coconut Rice and Panang Kai…. So good.. this is helping 1 of 3….



Seriously we demolished dinner… I was so stuffed, but I enjoyed this SOOOOO MUCH!



After dinner we walked back towards the fringe and I stopped in a few shops to look around. Man, I love looking at stuff… I found this one shop that had these paintings/prints on display. Take a look at this artists stuff, I just love it! ( I couldn’t take pictures in the store – so I googled some images for you to look at). If you like her work – Here is a link to her website!

At the fringe we stopped and watched a contortionist. She was called Bendy [EM] and she was a british lady from Australia. She was pretty funny and entertaining and she fit into this tiny box! An awesome show!

The lady was in this box… can you see her? She also has a soccer ball in there with her….
After we looked around at some vendors and spotted the street car! It was leaving in 3 minutes! I had NEVER BEEN on it before! WE bought our tickets. It was awesome!  I took some nice photos of the river and the buildings downtown. Now I can say that I finally rode the high level street car!



Our tickets, aren’t they cute?


The husband posing in front of the train… ❤


The sunset over the north Saskatchewan river.


The new bridge… the new Walterdale I think? I’m terrible with names…. but it looks nice eh!


A football game happening and the Kinsmen Sport Centre…. i took this photo because… well just look at that super low cloud… I’m higher than it is! 😛


And there’s me, standing in front of the streetcar. I’m such a tourist in my own city 😛


Afterwards we walked around the fringe for a bit more, looked at some vendors and saw some friends of ours, and chatted a while.  After all of this we were pretty done for the day. Both exhausted and ready to go home.

I fell asleep pretty fast and hard last night. I’m sorry to my husband that got up multiple multiple multiple times last night with not one… but both kids.. I heard nothing… till the morning.

Man, Today was a tough day to get up. A slow day to get up. I wrote half this post before I even went to the gym… which I didn’t get to till after lunch because I played video games with my daughter, chilled out and had brunch with the famjam and just didn’t rush into anything.

But not to worry! I did get to workout. I just didn’t go to the gym. The time just wasnt there today. I still have stuff I want to do with the fam jam, and errands to run later. I did my workout on the floor beside my bed.This was just a lot easier. But let me tell you, the carpet in my room is scratchy and not too comfortable. I much prefer the gym, but its nice that most of what I do is easy to do at home as well. I just didn’t get in a bike or run… but maybe if I get ambitious ill do it later… haha… I doubt it. Theres always tomorrow!



Day 12- day off! 

I went to bed early last night and have a big day today. It’s alreAdy had an awesome meeting with my daughters school today! Which makes me super super happy…

Anyhow. I’m posting this to say I’m taking a day off.  See you all tomorrow!